


curiosity will never let me go

by Percyjacksonfan3



Category: How I Met Your Mother
Genre: Angsty too, F/M, because the finale was so bad, but there's a happy ending, swarkles fix it fic, this is so sickeningly fluffy oh my god im so sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-24
Updated: 2019-01-24
Packaged: 2019-10-15 17:23:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17533022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Percyjacksonfan3/pseuds/Percyjacksonfan3
Summary: “Do you want me to end it?” She asks and damn, where did that come from?She would though. If he asked her to.Robin can hear Barney’s mouth snap closed. “What?”She takes a deep breath. “Do you want me to break up with Ted?”Robin tries again with Ted and it doesn't work out. Everybody knows why. Especially the Mosby children who are just as big of helpless romantics as their parents.





	curiosity will never let me go

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from the song Curiosity by Carly Rae Jepson. 
> 
> I would rant (again) about the HIMYM finale and my feelings but it's just too much and frankly that's what writing fanfic is for. So here you go.

After Ted and Robin get together things go good. Great. Fabulous.

(She almost says no. The look in his eyes as he holds up the blue horn is something scary, something too much, too overwhelming, too familiar. A feeling she doesn’t return.

But Lily keeps telling her she needs to date again. She needs to move on from Barney and her failed marriage and Ted has always been her safety net. He’s the reliable one. The one she can always go back to.

She almost says no because she knows he feels more than her, still, always has, always will and that what she felt for him once, what she felt (feels) for Barney, she doesn’t feel like that for Ted now. She can never keep up with him.)

They break up after nearly a year. Funny, she thinks. A year seems to be their limit. The first time they dated they’d only lasted a year too.

So she cries and he cries and Robin decides it’s her, it must be her, because really, how messed up does a person have to be to fail at having a relationship with Ted Mosby? This is the man who wants nothing more than to settle down and grow old with someone on the front porch with Lily and Marshal.

And Robin would be perfect, should be perfect for him to do that. Her and Ted are great, until they aren’t. Until things start getting really serious and she begins to feel like she’s being suffocated.

She never felt like that from Barney, not really. Their problem had always been that they weren’t serious enough, or that they were too serious but wouldn’t talk about it. Hell, the first time they’d dated…

It doesn’t matter. That was years ago.

But Luke and Penny had just arrived at her apartment to try to convince her to take Ted back.

They sit across from her on her sofa, looking so confused and hurt and young, and she really wishes she could have a scotch and a big news story to cover because she does not want to handle it all right now.

She had tried to hold back tears when she’d told them that she couldn’t date Ted anymore, they just didn’t work. She knew what love felt like, what being in love with Ted felt like, and they didn’t have that this time. They tried but you can’t force what isn’t there.

She’s changed too much and he hasn’t changed enough. They just aren’t compatible anymore.

But then the kids had told her the big long story of how Ted had sat the two of them down to ask for their permission to go and ask her out again a year ago. They go through the whole thing, every episode of their group’s lives together since Robin had joined them in MacLaren’s.

The news anchor has to bite her lip at parts of the story because Ted- lovely, hopeful, romantic Ted- had really missed some big things.

Robin had always known their friend’s feelings about her relationship with Barney but she hadn’t realized that Lily, Marshal and Ted hadn’t seen… so much.

Of course, memory was faulty and it had all been a long time ago, but to Robin every second with Barney still feels so fresh, so seared into her skin that she couldn’t forget anything if she tried.

So she gently corrects some things that Ted had gotten wrong in his retelling. Like the fact that Robin had been harboring doubts about her relationship with their father the first time even before Lily had broken them up. And she lets them in on the secret that Marshal still smokes the occasional cigarette. Or that Barney might have been a womanizer, but he always picked up their tab at MacLaren’s and was there for the four of them no matter what. She tells the kids that Ted was being unfair to Barney in all of those stories and that in reality the four of them had been too hard on him their entire lives. None of them were perfect, but they’d never doubted that Barney cared. She worries they hadn’t given Barney that same reassurance.

She also tells them that her rough patch with Barney that Ted had noticed before the first breakup- it wasn’t because they were making each other miserable. Or at least, she amends, that wasn’t the reason they broke up.

“Then why?” Penny sits forward, eyes lit up with interest. Luke is looking at her like he’s not sure whether he believes her or not and that’s fine. Robin’s not trying to discredit their father but- well. She wants them to know that she and Barney didn’t break up because they were unhappy together.

“Your dad, Aunt Lily and Uncle Marshal didn’t approve.” Robin said with a shrug, trying to hide how much that still hurt her to this day. She turns to face the kids more directly from where she’s sitting on her couch, the two of them on the matching one across the coffee table.

Luke frowns. “That’s not what Dad said.”

“No.” Robin’s smile is wry. “No, but your dad had more reason than anyone to feel uncomfortable with me and your Uncle Barney.”

Penny shifts uncomfortably. “Because he was still in love with you?”

Robin hesitates and it’s because she really is unsure of the answer. But these are Ted’s kids and a white lie is better than a possible false truth. “No, I don’t think so. But it’s always hard to see somebody you once loved with someone else, especially if that someone else is your best friend. And your father was right, Barney and I weren’t exactly the most… private of couples.”

She remembers nights where Ted walked in on them nearly having sex on the couch in the apartment she had then shared with him. Or when Marshal caught them in one of the men’s stalls in MacLaren’s. And Lily- poor Lily had suffered through both Robin and Barney coming to her with their relationship problems whenever they’d had them.

“But you were his friends,” Penny says and she sounds so unsure that Robin curses herself because seriously, this isn’t what she had wanted to do. Ted was an amazing guy and an amazing father and Robin needed to keep that image of him for the kids.

“Yes.” She nods. “And he was so kind to us, very understanding.” She thinks back to a night where Barney had confessed the thought Ted only gave him his blessing because the architect was sure Barney would never actually convince Robin to date him. Wisely, the news anchor didn’t mention that to the kids. There was a lot she wasn’t going to tell them.

“So? Why do you think he wanted you guys to break up?” Luke says, starting to sound interested despite himself.

“Just the little things.” Robin says, mind far away, lost in memories.

_“Marshal can you sit between Robin and Barney?” Lily’s voice is so clear in her mind it’s like the scene is playing out right in front of Robin. She can just picture her red-headed friend positioning the camera, setting the timer to make another perfect photo memory._

_“You don’t want us to sit together.” Barney accuses and Lily scoffs._

_“Oh please, like you two are going to last.” Lily said, forgetting herself in her hurry to take a great picture to go in her scrapbook._

Robin and Barney had shared a look at their friend’s flippant tone, both of them surprised at the words because- what? Where had that come from?

Barney had looked away, face schooled into a careful expression and scoffed, “Yeah, you’re definitely right,” he’d said and Robin had recovered just as quickly to chime in. “We’re running on fumes as it is.”

And neither Ted nor Marshal had said anything.

When Robin had stayed over at Barney’s that night they’d talked about it, briefly. “So what Lily said today…”

“I know, can you believe her?” Barney wasn’t meeting her eyes though, instead focused on stripping out of his suit and hanging it up on a hanger carefully. He moves to go in his closet, leaving the door open enough that they can still hear each other, but not enough that she can watch as he puts away his clothing.

Robin was sitting on his bed, feet pressed firmly to the carpet in case she needed to make a hasty exit. “Do you think she really believes that?”

Barney’s quiet for a long time inside his closet and she can’t see him but she knows he isn’t taking that long to hang up a suit when it’s only going to get dry cleaned on Friday anyway.

The nerves are crawling around in her stomach like bugs, wiggling their way to every part of her. She and Barney aren’t good with talking about fears and insecurities. Doubts are something they’re good at ignoring because a lot of the time they’re stupid anyway.

But this. Their friends not having faith in the two of them, not thinking that they could work… she needs to talk about this.

“Lily just wanted to get her stupid picture, she barely knew what she was saying.” Barney finally replies, reappearing in nothing but his boxers to come towards her. Again he has that face on, the one he uses when he’s trying to hide what he’s feeling, but his eyes are searching hers intently. “Why?” He asks finally, a hint of uncertainty in his voice. “Do you think she meant it?”

And now Robin wavers because she didn’t know. She didn’t know and even if she did, even if Lily did think that, it didn’t mean anything, right? Maybe this was one of Lily’s mind games, her subtle way of testing whether Robin and Barney could have a relationship that made it through all of the rough patches, the hard times. Maybe Lily had said that just to get them to talk about things, to try and make them stronger.

“No.” Robin says, hating that it comes out sounding like a question. “No, of course not. Lily’s our friend, she knows how we feel about each other.”

Barney’s relief is like a punch to her gut because she hadn’t realized he was so worried. “Yeah, of course. Obviously.”

They smile at each other, and the bugs in Robin’s stomach are gone now, replaced with a warmth at the softness in Barney’s eyes.

“Come here you.” She says happily, unable to help the smile on her face, and Barney grins right back as she grabs the elastic of his boxers and pulls him forward.

As they kiss all thoughts of their friends and any doubts they may or may not have are driven away. Because she’s happy, she really is. She and Barney work, they are working, and even if her friends don’t see that now, they will.

At least that’s what Robin thinks.

But after that it was like now that one of them had said something she seemed hyperaware of them all, the five of them in their booth. And while Lily and Marshal still sat together on one side more often to let her and Barney do the same, there’s looks between them and Ted that Robin can’t help but notice.

And offhand comments. A lot of them actually.

It’s Ted asking them one night, “So wait, you’re telling me that you guys don’t have nicknames for each other?”

Robin frowned. “I hate nicknames. You know that.”

“Yeah bro, nicknames are like, the hill lame couples die on,” Barney says with raised eyebrows and confusion on his face. He looks at Robin with an expression like, ‘seriously, what’s with this guy?’

She smiles at him.

“But not even secret nicknames?” Ted presses. “That you, you know.” He makes a gesture. “Use in the bedroom?”

Barney actually coughs on his drink in surprise and Robin places a hand on his thigh because no way is she going to let him spill the fact that he calls her _Sparkles_ or, God forbid, that he calls her sweetheart when they’re both far too lost in one another to care.

Or that she calls him things like B-Nasty and Barns and that one horrible instant she’d actually uttered the word _baby_ before both of them decided that it didn’t work.

“Nope.” Robin says confidently, popping the p. “Not our style.”

And she can see it, the way Ted immediately glances at Lily and Marshal as if to get their opinion on the matter. Her hand clenches slightly on Barney’s thigh when Marshal gives Ted a look like ‘what did you expect?’ and Lily smiles innocently, quietly proud of how superior her love story is.

It’s an uncharitable thought but Robin just knows that the three of them are comparing her and Barney to Lily and Marshal and that’s not fair because- because-

Look, they might not be Lily and Marshal but that doesn’t mean they don’t make each other just as happy. They might not shove their love in everyone’s faces, but that doesn’t mean it’s not there.

It is there, and Robin knows it. It’s in the way Barney teases her about Canada, always pretending to hate the country just so that Robin has an excuse to talk about it and argue it’s good points. She loves him, and she tries to show him in the only ways she knows how. By letting him continue to be just as awesome as he always has been. She lets him go to strip clubs- but no lap dances, because he’ll get that at home, what up!- and she always tries to be available for laser tag.

They might not have cute names for each other like Marshmallow and Lilypad but that’s fine because Robin doesn’t want that anyway. And she doesn’t think Barney does either.

But their friends are all looking away from them and she looks at Barney who looks at her and both of them see the realization in each other’s eyes. Instead of addressing the problem then and there though… they both clear their throats and turn back to their drinks. Barney cracks a lewd joke that usually would make Robin smile but now only barely registers amongst her thoughts.

It’s around that time, she realizes now that she thinks back, that their rough patch started.

She starts nagging Barney about going to strip clubs once a week and he starts eating to fill awkward silences between them. Lily pats her hand consolingly, looking sorry and saying, “Well maybe this is a sign. You two tried, you really did your best, and it’s not working.”

Robin would shake her head, protests falling from her lips because she loves Barney, she knows she does.

And he loves her too. She knew that.

But couples night with Lily and Marshal comes and goes and they realize how unlike the two of them they are. It makes Robin wary because- well, Lily and Marshal aren’t the kind of relationship she wants, but they have a great relationship. What does it say about Barney and Robin that they are absolutely nothing like them?

They can’t deal with fights without sex and they can’t talk about feelings for more than ten minutes without sex and basically, they can’t do the couple stuff they’re supposed to unless it leads to, is during or comes right after, sex.

And their friends keep having question marks at the end of their sentences like, “Oh, and Robin I assume you’ll be going with Barney?” or “Hey Barney, are you sure you cleared that with Robin?” and both of them start to feel like they’re being pushed together, forced to be something they’re not.

So the night that they’re sent out on a date by Marshal and Ted… it’s the last straw. They look across the street and yes, Ted, they did see the three of them hiding in the car with Ranjit. Watching as their friends all ducked down and tried to hide rips open Robin’s heart and her hope that she and Barney could eventually convince them they were good together, that they could make it through the rough patch… all those hopes fall away.

She catches sight of her reflection in the mirror. Sees the tired and drained look on her face and she doesn’t feel like herself anymore. Who is this person, so burdened with worries and the disappointment of her friends? This isn’t Robin Scherbatsky.

When she looks over at Barney she sees the same look on his face. Sees the few extra pounds, the twitchy way he’s sitting, like he’s ready to jump ship at any moment and her heart breaks even further.

When the robot passes by, when Alan Thicke shows up and the argument about Canada vs. America grows heated this time and Barney’s ex-girlfriend Meg appears from nowhere, Robin and Barney finally realized what was happening.

“It’s Lily.” She says to Barney after everyone else had left and it was just the two of them sitting in the booth, their friends watching in a car across the road. “She’s trying to break us up.”

“Throwing everything she has at us too.” Barney glances at the car, barely, but she catches the flash of betrayal on his face. “Ted and Marshal are there too. She never would have done this without the three of them having a vote.” He swallows and she meets his eyes. “They must all want this to end.”

Robin nods and finally says what Barney was too scared to. “And us?”

Her boyfriend had stared at her helplessly. “Robin, neither of us will be happy if we don’t have our friends support. At least, I won’t be.”

She agrees. “Me too.”

“We see them almost everyday.” Barney says. “And if I think they’re watching us, just waiting to hear that we’ve broken up…”

“I know.” Robin’s voice cracks and she clears her throat to try and cover it up. “I know, Barney.”

Silence falls and both of them look at each other. Robin remembered the way her chest had hurt and her throat was closing in that uncomfortable way that came before tears fell. 

“I love you, Robin.” Barney says suddenly, sounding deadly serious.

“I know you do.” She sniffs. “I love you too.”

Frustration is clear to see in his eyes, and neither of them like losing but they can’t win this battle. Not when it’s against their friends’ expectations which they seem to always fall short of, no matter how happy they tell everyone they are.

There’s nothing more to say after that and after they pay they stop at the door, feeling the weight of their friends’ eyes on them as they hesitate to leave their fledgling of a relationship behind.

“One more for the road?” Barney asks and Robin can’t help but smile, lean in and softly press her lips to his.

She wishes she hadn’t been so close to crying.

The memories make Robin quiet and the kids look at her expectantly, waiting for more. She remembers how she went home and cried that night, how she wished she still had her dogs. Ted either hadn’t heard her from his bedroom or had decided to give her space because nobody showed up to comfort her.

Her phone had been just out of reach of her fingertips, lying on her mattress, and she’d had to stop herself from texting or calling Barney too many times to count.

The next day he’d been suited up once more and she had embraced the saying ‘look good, feel good’ in an attempt to do just that.

And after… well. They’d talked, away from the others, but it hadn’t been like before. Talking about their relationship was painful, talking about what could have been was even worse. Knowing that you wanted to be with someone who felt the same didn’t magically make everything okay. Barney hooked up with more women than ever before and Robin avoided men and dating until Don.

They made it through all of that. Their story, as they said, was messy. The cheating, the lying, the sneaking around and hiding feelings. Quinn and Nora, Don and Kevin and Nick. Ted.

Throughout all of that there was Barney and Robin, dancing around one another. Avoiding each other’s eyes in heavy silences when they were alone. Brushing hands and then pulling away quickly like they’d been burned.

Then the proposal, the bachelor party from hell, the rehearsal dinner, the freaking out, the last minute doubts, the constant lying and tricking each other.

And then they got married and they had more problems- stupid, easily-fixed problems that shouldn’t have torn them apart but did because they were both cowards who still didn’t believe someone could actually love them as much as they had loved each other.

Now Barney had a kid, Robin had dated and broken up with Ted again and she was trying to convince Ted’s kids why she and Ted weren’t going to work.

“And that was that.” She finishes. “Barney and I were- complicated, and messy, and our friends just… didn’t see that through all of that we were okay.”

“Until you got divorced.” Luke says, and he sounds like he’s asking a question.

“Yeah.” Robin says softly. “Yeah, until then.”

And she hasn’t really seen Barney much since.

“So that’s why you can’t be with Dad.” Penny says in realization. “Because you’re still in love with Uncle Barney?”

“What?” Robin’s eyes shoot to hers. “No. No. Of course not. No. That’s- what- no, that’s impossible, that’s not what I was saying, I haven’t even seen Barney since…”

“You are.” Luke says, something like wonder in his voice, eyes sharp and knowing. “You love Uncle Barney.”

“I don’t.” Robin stands up, trying to hide from the way these kids are strong enough to face her feelings when she still isn’t. “Kids, really, I would never date your dad if I thought for even a second-“

“It’s because you were in denial!” Penny says, and she sounds excited now. “But after trying to be with someone else you’ve realized there’s only one man for you and that it’s-“

“-Uncle Barney.” Luke finishes. The two siblings exchange looks, and Robin wonders if it’s because they had Tracy McConnel and Ted Mosby- the two most romantic people on the planet- as parents, or just genetics because they don’t look mad or disappointed. They’re not angry that she doesn’t want to be with their father.

No, they look thrilled.

“And he hasn’t dated anybody in ages, remember Luke? Nothing that’s lasted more than a few months since he divorced you, Aunt Robin!”

“That’s true.” Luke notes. “And Ellie says she found a picture of you in his room once.”

“I don’t think- wait, what?” Robin whips around to look at Luke. “Really?”

The kids look at her knowingly and she immediately backtracks. “That’s not important. It was probably from years ago, a picture of the five of us-“

The two teenagers don’t look at all convinced and Robin waves her hands. “Look, it doesn’t matter. I just got out of a relationship with your dad, I’m not going to run over to Barney’s and-“

And what? Tell him that even Ted’s kids think the two of them should be together, after all this time. Tell him that she’s good now, she thinks she’s ready and she’s sorry she let him go before but this time, it’s the real deal and she’s committed. She’s travelled the world, will probably travel a bit more, but she’s done what she wanted and now she wants him, still, after all this time, she wants him. That this time she has no doubts, that she doesn’t care more about what other people think than what she wants.

She wants Barney. She wants _him_.

And she’s not the Robin she once was. She’s been an Aunt for close to 20 years now and she’s not scared of babies or commitment holding her back. She’s not concerned with comparing herself to all of the other couples around her. She’s finally at an age where she wants to settle. She wants something permanent. She’s moved from Canada to America to most of Europe, Asia and the Middle East. Robin has a stellar resume behind her, her name is known in media around the world.

In some ways she feels like she’s finally grown up. Her childhood is behind her, her twenties are behind her and her thirties are now too. Everything she wanted to accomplish has been done- more than that, even.

It’s that feeling that made her move back to New York in the first place and now that she’s been here over a year again she wants someone to share this life with. She’s not perfect, no where close, and there’s still parts of her that will never change, but there was always one person who could meet her, bad part for bad part, good trait for good, and even her out.

If he has a kid now… well that’s not the end of the world. It’s exciting actually.

Ellie is a part of Barney’s life and she’s a part that Robin is eager to get to know better, if- if that’s something he could ever want.

“Barney hasn’t tried to talk to me for almost a year.” Robin says quietly, all hope she’d felt fading as she actually tries to think it through. She hadn’t seen him since last year and that… hadn’t ended well. After that Thanksgiving life had been busy for her, she hadn’t made it this year, and Christmas their group had spent separately.

It’s not like she and Barney had really had a conversation in years anyway. She just knows things through the grapevine from Lily, Marshall and Ted.

But when she thinks of him she still gets that feeling- the slow warmth, the certainty that with this person she just fits.

She doesn’t know for certain though. They might have both changed. He could be a whole new person.

And after last time…

_The five of them had finally managed to arrange their schedules so that they could meet at MacLaren’s. Ted had encouraged them all because they hadn’t been together since he and Robin had started dating again._

_Of course she’d thought he’d had enough tact to tell Barney that’s why they were getting together in the first place._

_Seeing Barney walk into the bar had felt like she’d been physically transported to the past. How many times had she waited in their side of the booth as he slid beside her and reciprocated his kiss of greeting. They’d saved seats for each other and ordered drinks and shared food so many times it was too easy to fall back into that way of thinking when she was back here and seeing him again._

_God, he looked exactly the same. A little greyer around the temples maybe, but it was hardly noticeable in his blonde hair. Still wearing a suit, though if she had to guess she would say he only threw it on because tonight was a special occasion. It was like the five of them were stepping back into the past._

_But now Ted was beside her instead of an empty space that Barney would fill. Kids were waiting for them all at home. It had been months since they’d last all been together, not just a few days._

_Seeing Barney was a shock, but more grounding was the fact that as soon as Barney entered the bar Ted just happened to kiss Robin._

_It wasn’t a good kiss. It was, in fact, the worst kiss of Robin Scherbatsky’s life._

_Whether on purpose or by accident Robin would never be sure, but Ted kissed her as soon as Barney came in._

_Robin didn’t even close her eyes she was so surprised, which is why she saw the eager, excited smile and greeting Barney was about to give them all die on his face. Replaced with a look she could only describe as blindsided, Barney stopped only feet inside of MacLaren’s watching his best friend kiss his ex-wife._

_Robin had felt physically sick._

_Her and Barney had met eyes for a second, just a second, but it was enough to see the look he quickly hid. It was enough for him to see the apology in her eyes._

_And then Ted was pulling away and Robin met his eyes, trying to find any hint that the kiss was planned, that it was to make a point. Maybe she’d been married to Barney for too long, or maybe she thought Ted was becoming more like her, but she was looking for that malicious victory in his eyes._

_There wasn’t any, but that didn’t make her feel any better._

_“You didn’t tell Barney about us?” She hissed at him and Ted had immediately looked contrite._

_He’d held up his hands as if in surrender and she’d glared further because- how could he? Ted was never like this, never cruel. He might have been a coward at times- not breaking up with Victoria before coming over to Robin’s place was a prime example- but cruel to his best friends? She hadn’t thought Ted was like that._

_And bombarding Barney with this news, with what had always been his biggest fear in their marriage… that was cruel of him._

_“You said you told him!” Robin said quietly to Ted, anger seeping through her tone as Marshal and Lily both got up to greet Barney who was now getting a drink at the bar._

_“I said I would tell him.” Ted corrected, still looking sheepish. “And I meant to. I was going to. But then we arranged this and I thought why not tell him tonight-“_

_“Ted!” Barney’s voice cut through whatever Ted had been saying and suddenly he was there at the end of their booth, asking a nearby couple if he could steal a chair from their table to bring over and sit down on. “What, you invite us all out here and then don’t even say hello? Awesome has just entered the bar, my friend, and it was an entrance not to be forgotten.”_

_Ted’s lips had twitched and he’d turned around, sliding out of his seat to give Barney a hug. “Hey man. I was worried you weren’t coming.”_

_“And miss your big surprise?” Barney’s eyebrows rose and here was the games Robin was so used to. Deflecting real feelings with teasing and jokes and misdirection. “I said I would come, nay, I swore it on the Bro Code and-“_

_“Yeah, yeah Barney, I know.” Ted waved him off laughing as they all sat down again. Either none of the others noticed that Barney and Robin hadn’t greeted each other or they were tactfully ignoring it._

_She met Lily’s eyes and saw the question there. When Robin shook her head her best friend pursed her lips but didn’t say anything._

_“So what’s the surprise Ted?” Barney said after pleasantries were all out of the way. His eyes flickered to Robin for only a second before resettling on his friend. Robin tried not to feel guilty._

_“Well I meant to tell you all at once, but Lily and Marshal showed up early so they already know.” Ted glanced at Robin who forced a smile, hoping it didn’t look as painful as it felt. “Robin and I are back together!”_

_And Barney, good old Barney, the same Barney who dove in the Hudson for her, who broke up with Nora for her, who set out rose petals and candles for her after every stressful day at work…_

_…Barney smiled, wide and entirely believable and held up a hand to Ted. “Bro, nice.”_

_Ted blinked._

_Lily and Marshal blinked._

_Robin watched Barney. Saw the hand he wasn’t holding up clench around his glass. Saw the way his smile was twitching and his Adam’s apple was bobbing._

_I’m sorry, she thought, but either the silent communication had ended with their marriage or Barney ignored her._

_Ted had high fived him back hesitantly and Barney had finally dropped his hand. “So when did that happen? I haven’t been that out of the loop I hope.”_

_Robin had to interject. “It’s recent.” She said quickly, too quickly to sound natural and they all looked at her. “Just last week.”_

_For the first time all night Barney addressed Robin. “Oh.”_

_Lily hurriedly tried to say something. “And the kids are okay with it, Ted? Do they know?”_

_Ted’s smile was so wide. So very, extremely wide and happy. Robin felt blinded by it._

_She glanced at Barney and saw him looking down at his drink. She wasn’t the only one feeling blinded._

_“Okay with it? They’re the ones who told me to go for it.” Ted laughed and Robin’s hand tightened around her glass too._

_This was cruel. This was so, so mean of them. Why was she letting this happen?_

_But Marshal was asking questions, all happy, probably thinking of his bet with Lily and the fact that she would have to give him the money back, and Ted was answering and Barney finally looked up, expression completely normal and joined the conversation._

_The entire night she felt like she was an outsider in that booth. She answered the questions, drank too much and had a good talk with Lily about how they needed to go for a spa day soon. Marshal talked to her about the kids and she heard Barney telling Ted and Lily stories about Ellie getting ready to go to college._

_But it was all autopilot. She was dazed, attention on Barney and Ted, trying to monitor the situation that appeared to be totally fine._

_She knew them both though. She knew Barney wasn’t fine but would pretend he was, and that Ted would let him because that’s just what they’d always done._

_Eventually they were leaving, Marshal and Lily being the first to go when they exchanged a look and Lily said, “Candy Apple,” which was obviously code for sex. The three of them remained and after a second Barney said he should be getting home soon, he had this thing tomorrow and he couldn’t afford to miss it, and, and, and._

_And Ted stops him with a hand on his arm, holding him back from leaving as he asks, too drunk and not serious enough, “You’re really okay with this?”_

_Robin wants to scream._

_Ted has gotten crueler, there’s no other answer. Because what is Barney supposed to say here, now, in front of her. His answer won’t change anything (he thinks) and Ted looks so happy and Robin- Robin feels like she should be happy which is almost the same thing._

_“If you two are happy then I’m happy.” Barney says finally, voice even and a shade below being warm. Robin allows herself to meet his eyes and has to look away again immediately. “You’re two of my favourite people in the world.”_

_Robin blinks quickly and nods goodbye as he leaves, not trusting herself to speak._

_Ted turns to her as soon as Barney leaves. “See? I told you it would be fine!”_

_Robin’s smile is patronizing, she can feel it, but she can’t help it. “I’m gonna go home too, Ted. That last drink took it out of me.”_

_“You want me to come over?” Ted asks and she shakes her head._

_“I have work tomorrow.” She pecks him on the lips quickly and pulls away before he can do much more. “Let’s split a cab?”_

_They do and as she leaves him to walk inside she’s already sliding a hand inside of her pocket to grip her phone. When she gets inside she’s dialling the number from memory, automatic and confident._

_He doesn’t answer her and she calls again._

_Without leaving a voicemail the second time she dials once more, deciding if he doesn’t pick up this time she’ll let it go. The phone rings and rings and rings and finally, when the voice mail is about to ask her to leave a message, Barney picks up._

_“What is it Robin?”_

_He sounds tired and she’s glad and scared, because it means he’s not pretending to be happy for her anymore but also… that he’s not pretending to be happy for her anymore._

_“I’m sorry.” She says and it sounds pleading to her own ears. “Ted told me he’d already told you.”_

_“Yeah, well.” He doesn’t say anything else, just laughs bitterly._

_Robin bites her lip, debating whether hanging up would be the best idea. “I wasn’t sure you cared. You acted so okay with it at the bar.”_

_“Ted’s my best friend.” Barney said and she nodded even though he couldn’t see. She knows what that means. Ted is his best friend, he’d do anything for Ted, to make him happy._

_“He shouldn’t have done that tonight.”_

_“I would have found out eventually.”_

_“But not like that.” Robin says desperately. “Not like-_

_“Robin.” He cuts her off and for a second they’re quiet, just hearing his voice say her name. “It’s late. Ted’s probably wondering what’s taking you so long. Just-“_

_“Do you want me to end it?” She asks and damn, where did that come from?_

_She would though. If he asked her to._

_Robin can hear Barney’s mouth snap closed. “What?”_

_She takes a deep breath. “Do you want me to break up with Ted?”_

_“Don’t ask me that.” Barney sounds angry now. “Stop doing this.”_

_“What?” She says, but she already knows the answer._

_“You are- the only person in the world I would have ever broken the Bro Code for.” Barney says. “You know that. Stop putting me in these impossible positions.”_

_“Just say yes or no, Barney.”_

_“I won’t.” Barney says._

_“Barney-“_

_“Because it won’t make a difference.” He says. “Ted always comes back to you. Every time. And you say yes, eventually, every time.”_

_She’s quiet for a long time, so long that she wouldn’t have begrudged him if he’d hung up. But he doesn’t, she hears his breathing and eventually she whispers, “I didn’t always. Not when I loved you.”_

_“Robin we were married and you’re still ending up with Ted.”_

_“The story isn’t over yet.” She says, and she shouldn’t be saying this because it’s wrong, it’s cruel, this is the kind of thing that made her cheat on Kevin, but-_

_-but she needs that hope for her and Barney to still be there. She needs it._

_“Ted told me he loved me after Kevin and I broke up.” She tells Barney. “I told him no, then.”_

_“That was different.” Barney says._

_“Ted said I rejected him because of you.” Robin swallows. “He was right, you know.”_

_There’s a pained sound on the other end of the line. “That was years ago.”_

_“But it’s the same now, isn’t it?” Robin whispers and she’s sitting on her couch, head in her hands as one of them holds her phone to her ear desperately. Barney has always been able to make her comfortable admitting the worst parts of herself. “I love Ted. I’m still in love with you. It’s like you’re both there with me, always, and I have to choose but every time I do I end up second guessing everything.”_

_“You chose me and it didn’t work.” Barney’s voice is heartbreaking. “Choose Ted and see if it does.”_

_Robin squeezes her eyes closed. “I don’t think it will.”_

_“Try.” Barney pleads. “Robin I can’t keep doing this. I have a daughter. A whole other life that you’re not even a part of anymore.”_

_Robin flinches._

_“I can’t keep thinking about you, about us, and wondering. It isn’t fair. To either of us. You need to choose Ted and I need to move on and that’s that.”_

_“Okay.” Robin whispers, trying to hide the sound of her tears. “Okay.”_

_Barney’s voice is softer when he speaks again. “I really do have to go.”_

_“Okay.” She says again._

_He hesitates and then, “goodbye.”_

_They hang up at the same time._

“We haven’t spoken in months.” She repeats to the kids, ignoring the familiar ache that the memory brings in her. Robin has thought of that conversation so many times, debated calling Barney again and again and always deciding against it. He’d been perfectly clear and in Robin’s more logical moments she’d agreed with him. They couldn’t keep doing this to one another. It wasn’t fair.

She hasn’t deleted the number from her call history though. Or his contact information from her phone. It doesn’t matter that she has it all memorized anyway, just having it there, something she can look at that isn’t in her secret box of memorabilia from their relationship… it’s a reminder that what they had actually happened. “He has a life without me. I’m not going to mess that up.”

“But if you’re unhappy-“

“No.” She cuts Penny off, regretting it at the hurt look the younger girl has after. “I’m sorry about me and your dad.” She tells them both quietly, taking care to look the two kids in the face. “But things don’t work out for me in relationships. And that’s okay. It’s just the way it is. But I don’t have to drag anyone else down with me, I’ve hurt enough people as it is.”

Luke stands up suddenly and both women look at him in shock at the sudden anger on his face. “If you don’t do anything then it’s all been for nothing. If you don’t end up happy then what was the point in breaking up with my dad and causing him so much pain? You would have been just as happy with him as you are alone.”

Robin stares at him helplessly. “I-“

“Luke.” Penny says softly.

“What? It’s true.” He spits glancing at his sister and then back to Robin as if expecting her to deny it. “What’s the point if the three of you end up miserable? What kind of lesson is that?”

“Your dad will find somebody.” Robin says. “Someone who-“

“He did find her. She died.” Both Robin and Penny flinch now. “And now there’s you, you’re the closest thing he has to love right now and you’re going to stop him from having that for no reason?”

“It’s wrong to be with someone when you don’t feel the same way they do.”

“If he made you miserable, sure.” Luke says. “But he didn’t. You were happy. You just weren’t happy enough, because you know what you’re missing. So how can you sit here and not go after Barney when he’s what you’ve wanted all along?”

She squeezes her eyes closed, taking a deep and shaky breath before opening them and staring down at the two kids with her most imposing Aunt Robin look.

“I’m sorry for hurting your dad. And both of you. But I can’t be with him. That doesn’t mean I can be with Barney.”

“Why not if he’s in love with you too?” Penny asks softly, so innocent from being so young.

“Barney and I don’t work,” Robin says, and she wonders how many times she’s going to say those words in her life. They ring hollowly to her own ears.

“Ask him and see before you give up.” Luke says, still upset. “Otherwise it really is all for nothing.”

“He has a daughter.” Robin tries desperately. “Probably a girlfriend too,” she ignores Luke shaking his head in refusal. “I can’t just call him up-”

“Don’t call him.” Penny looks up from where she’d just received a text on her phone, holding up the screen even though Robin couldn’t read the writing from here. “I just asked him whether he was home and he said yes.”

“Penny!” Robin chastises.

“Go over there.” Luke tells her seriously. He was always the more emotional of the two and Robin is finding it hard to explain her feelings to him in words he would understand, she’s struggling to find the logic she needs to get them both to understand. Emotions had always been so complicated with her. “Right now.” His voice softens in a way eerily similar to Ted’s when he’s being self-sacrificing. “You’ll always regret it if you don’t.”

She stares back and forth between them helplessly. “What would I even say?”

“Just tell him the truth.” Penny says knowingly. The excitement hasn’t left her face and she’s in serious danger of getting caught up in the romance she’s concocted. “It’s written all over your face anyway. He’ll never be able to not believe you.”

Robin almost refutes that, because out of everybody the person most determined to not believe in Robin’s love for Barney was always Barney himself.

“He loves you too.” Luke adds quietly. “It’s why Dad never wanted him over when you were around.”

Robin is frozen in body but racing in her mind. Could it be true? And was she going to be able to handle it if it turned out Barney didn’t love her or want her? She should take her time to figure out her feelings and make sure, be absolutely 100% sure that this is what she wanted this time. No more second-guessing, no more changing her mind months or years down the line.

This had to be it.

Deep inside she knew it would be.

She’d been with Barney twice already. The third time would be the charm.

And even if everything went to hell at least he would know how she felt. She wouldn’t have to carry around this big ball of something that kept her up unable to sleep at night.

Maybe it was time for Robin to be the one to make the big romantic gesture, even if it was just showing up on Barney’s doorstep asking for another chance.

She takes a step forward, and then another, and then she’s turning around to the kids and saying, “lock up before you leave,” before grabbing her set of keys and wallet and leaving herself.

Before she knows it she’s hailing a cab and laughing because it’s started to rain while she waits. One of those the sky opened and dumped buckets on the streets kind of rains, where the droplets come streaming down and her hair is quickly plastered to her head and her clothes are soaked.

A cab pulls up and she jumps in quickly, impatiently giving Barney’s address and trying to finger comb her hair. The smell of cigarettes is pungent, but she doesn’t think about that, instead she wonders if the rain is a sign, and if so whether or not it’s a good or bad one. Some would say bad, but Robin has a creeping certainty that it’s actually quite the opposite.

It’s that same certainty that makes her chuck cash at the driver who’s turning around and asking, “Hey aren’t you that chick from the news?”

She gets out and slams the cab door behind her, fresh rain lashing down the strands of her hair, dripping onto her skin and making trails down the side of her throat and into her clothing.

The strong smell of a bakery hits her and it’s the last thing she smells before using her key (that Barney had never asked for back and does that mean something, it has to mean something) to make her way in past the lobby into the elevator and up to Barney’s floor.

When she stops outside of his door with her hand raised to knock she hesitates.

What if Ellie’s home? What if he has a girl with him? What if he’s busy and she’s about to ruin his morning and what if, what if, what if?

What if he doesn’t love her anymore? It’s not unreasonable. In fact between Barney still loving her and Barney not still loving her, him having feelings for Robin is the more incredulous option.

Think like Ted, she tells herself sternly. You’ve come all this way and promised no more second guessing. This isn’t only for you, it’s for him too. So you can both move on.

She remembers what the kids had said, about him having a picture of her hidden somewhere in his room and with the thought in mind Robin Scherbatzky raps on the door three times.

There’s no response from inside.

So she knocks again, more determined than ever and this time she hears it.

“Coming, coming, gimme a sec-,” Barney opens the door clad in sweatpants and a baby blue t-shirt, his cell phone held to his ear but when he sees who was knocking he freezes for a moment. “-ond.”

He finishes his sentence lamely and she can do nothing but let her eyes rake over him, again and again, top to bottom, taking in the details.

The smell of cooking wafts out of the apartment and she almost cocks an eyebrow because cooking and Barney? He had cooked for her a total of six times when they’d been together and while he’d been far better than her at the endeavor it wasn’t a common occurrence.

But she barely spared a thought for his culinary activities, too busy hiding her surprise at the clothing choices. Black sweatpants had not been a regular part of Barney’s wardrobe when she’d been with him, though they had made an occasional appearance. Starting at the bottom Robin took in his white sock clad feet, the cloth sweats and the thin t-shirt. Finally making it to his face she notices more grey in his hair than before and fresh laugh lines around his eyes and mouth.

It makes her conscious of her own appearance. Soaking wet knitted grey cardigan and a white shirt- that’s probably see through now, God she really is going to embarrass herself today. Dark blue stretchy jeans that were old enough she remembers having them back when she still lived with Ted finish the ensemble because hey, she hadn’t thought this through, just rushed over here without changing.

At least her boots are cute, she thinks. Black ankle boots with a small heel.

Again all thoughts of herself are quickly wiped away as she just looks at him. She’s trying to categorize the things that had always been there and the things that were new and it makes her happier than it should when she sees that he actually hasn’t changed too much since the last time they saw one another.

“Robin.” He says dumbly face completely shocked. He’s trying to do that expression he has, where he makes everything go blank and hide whatever he’s really feeling and Robin bites her lip when he does. She’d never been able to read past that look to whatever was beneath, she’d only ever been able to notice it and see something was wrong.

It snaps her out of her frozen state and she tries to smile but it’s small and nervous. “Hi Barney.”

He never takes his eyes off of her and for a second his mouth opens but then there’s a voice on the other end of the phone and it closes again with a snap.

Barney doesn’t answer whoever it is though except to say “Mom, I have to call you back.” He ends the call and shuts the phone off still without ever taking his eyes off of Robin and her nervous smile is hard to keep in place for so long when he doesn’t look away.

“Can I come in?” She asks at the same time he wonders.

“What are you doing here?”

The smile falls but she tries to still look happy to see him. Warm, inviting, friendly. That’s the Robin he would remember right? Fun Robin, determined and go-after-what-she-wants Robin. Not her as she was now, old and lonely and desperate to know that what they had was real, had always been real and was still there.

Barney had always been the one to see every part of her though. The good and the bad. More than that, he was always the only one who accepted all of those parts and made her want to try to change while believing that she actually could.

She answers his question when it becomes obvious he’s not going to answer hers. “I broke up with Ted.”

Several emotions cross his face at her admission. Relief, hope, regret and uncertainty among them.

But most of all anger.

Robin sees him swallow hard. “What does that have to do with me?”

She stares at him helplessly. “You know what.”

His eyes close as if against his will before he shakes his head. “I never asked you to do that. I never- I didn’t want you to.”

It might be a lie, it might be the truth or it might be both. Whatever it is, Robin understands. “I know. But I had to.”

“Don’t.”

“I couldn’t stay with him.”

“Stop, Robin, please.”

“Barney.” She stands up straight, meets his eyes without wavering and her voice is strong, honest and sure. “I’m in love with you.”

He looks back at her just as helplessly as she had looked at him earlier.

“I have been for years. I know I’ve been awful and things between us have only ever ended badly for us both. But this time I’m sure. This time I know. We never should have gotten divorced.” His eyes widen. “I never should have let you go when the entire time I know it was the last thing I wanted. I never should have gotten back together with Ted.” She shakes her head filled with so many regrets. “Not when I knew I was still in love with you the entire time. And I’ve tried to move on Barney, you know I have, but I can’t. You’re who I want. You’re it for me. I don’t care whether everyone else thinks we’ll be together forever or go down in flames within a month, I know that this time my feelings for you are forever. I’m sorry it took me so long and I know it might be too late but I just had to tell you.”

He just keeps staring at her.

Her stomach sinks.

“But even if you don’t feel the same- and I don’t expect you to- I was hoping that we could be friends again.”

His composure cracks and he seems to slump against the doorframe. “What?”

“You were once my best friend in the world.” She reminds him. “My best bro. Even if you don’t love me anymore, you always got me, Barney, and no one else ever has. I would like that back, that friendship. If we could.”

He’s shaking his head before she’s finished and her stomach sinks further.

“I can’t do that Robin.”

She bites the inside of her cheek to try and keep from blurting out the words she so desperately wants. Instead she nods and takes a step back. “Okay. I understand. I- won’t waste anymore of your time.”

“You don’t understand.” He says heavily before she can turn away. It’s like the words are being dragged forcefully out of him “I can’t be your friend, Robin, because we both know how it would end.”

Her eyes shoot to his.

“I could never just be friends with you.” There’s a note of exhaustion in his voice but who or what it’s directed at she will never know. “It was always all or nothing. I can’t take anything in between.”

She feels a flicker of hope and her face brightens. “Barney-“

“But I can’t do that with you again.” His words shut her down. “We’ve tried, twice, and I couldn’t handle it if for a third time when it didn’t work out.” He’s watching her closely so he sees her frown at his word choice. “And you can’t promise that it won’t. You can’t promise me anything, because we tried that before and it all fell apart around us.”

“I love you.” She says, more certain than she’s ever been before. “That will be enough this time if you felt the same way.”

He looks pained. “Love wasn’t enough either time before.”

“I’m not the same person I was then. I won’t let either of us give up so easily.”

He squeezes his eyes shut. “This isn’t fair,” he says softly. She understands, of course she does, but she’s also not sorry for coming and standing here today.

“I know. But Barney no matter how many years I have left I want to spend them with you.”

His eyes rise to meet hers helplessly and she sees him want to give in, sees the composure crack. That’s when she knows Luke and Penny were right and that the two of them aren’t done, not really. Never have been.

“I have responsibilities.” Barney sounds like he doesn’t know who he’s trying to convince. “My life here. Friends, work. My daughter.”

“I love Ellie.” Robin says, and it’s true. From the little she’s seen of Barney’s daughter she does love the girl. “Barney when I said I wouldn’t give up I meant it. The only way you’re going to get me to leave here is if you can tell me you don’t love me and don’t want to be with me.”

“Robin.” His voice is tortured. “Don’t do this to me again.”

“I’m not.” She steps forward, still soaking wet but he doesn’t seem to care and doesn’t move away. She sees his eyes fall to her lips, wonders what he’s thinking as the familiar heat curls in her belly. “I won’t.”

“You can’t promise me that.”

“I can. This time is different. I feel it. I know it.”

“Feelings change.”

She looks at him softly. “Not this one. It hasn’t since we got married. Before that even. I’m in love with you, Barney.”

“What about the others?” He asks her. “Lily, Marshal, Ted?”

“They’ll understand.” Robin looks away. “Ted’s suspected I’ve still been in love with you this entire time.”

It was a deep fear of Ted’s, one that had only come up during their worst, most bitter arguments. But it had come up. More than once.

“What will it do to him if we’re suddenly back together?”

“I would hope he would be happy for us.” Robin says. “But if not then there’s nothing I can do about that. I can’t change how I feel, don’t you think I would have if I could?”

He stares at her and she knows he understands. Better than anybody Barney understands fighting feelings you don’t want.

But she wants them now. She’s accepted them, she’s owning them as her own and that’s more than she ever has before. When she said this all felt different this time she wasn’t lying.

“I love you, Barney.” She says, dripping water all over the carpet of his apartment building’s hallway, her eyes never leaving his. “I needed you to know. Whatever happens next… it’s up to you.”

She’s nervous, baring her feelings for him to see like this. They’ve never been so honestly raw with one another. Games and tricks and lies were how they showed their love in the past.

But they were older now, and wiser. Robin was done with fooling around. This was the real thing and if she wanted it then she had to take care of it. She knew that now.

They’d both changed so much but at their core they were still them. The things that made Robin fall in love with him are clear to see standing before her and she hopes he can say the same about her.

“You know how I feel about you.” Barney says finally, quietly. “You’ve always known. Nothing’s changed.”

She starts to smile.

“But we’ll never be able to go back to how we were. Too much has happened.”

“I know. I don’t want to be us from 20 years ago. I want to be us now. I want this you, and I will love this you just as much as I ever loved you in the past. More, probably.” They’ve moved closer together and now that his phone is in his pocket his arms are just hanging by his sides. She wants him to hold her, grab her and kiss her like he used to.

“I know who you are, Barney.” She says finally, lifting a hand to slowly rest it on one of his cheeks, stroking her thumb softly beneath a fluttering eyelid. “I’ve always known. And that scared me before.”

“What changed?” His voice is breathy and ragged.

“Me.” She says simply. “I’ve stopped caring about everyone else and decided to do what makes me happy.” She leans back a bit. “Which is you.”

“Ha, you want to do me.” It slips out without his permission but she laughs and he relaxes under her hand.

“Robin.” Is all he says and then he’s moving forward and kissing her, hesitant at first but hungry seconds later when she stops laughing to kiss him back. Their lips move against each other’s desperately and she’s comforted at the fact that no matter what else has changed this hasn’t. They still kiss each other the same and the feelings behind it are still there. She wants all of him, forever, always.

He pulls her in, arms wrapping around her beck to hold her close and they stumble backwards into his home, the door closing with a gentle sound. Neither of them pause and by the time they’re sitting on his couch with her straddling his lap her cardigan is off and she’s moving her hands underneath his shirt to feel him and relearn his body.

“Stop.” He pushes her away gently and everything in her seems to crash at once.

“Barney.”

He meets her eyes and sees her own lust reflected back to her. “This won’t be easy. I have Ellie.”

She nods. “I know.”

“Our friends might not like it.”

“Like I said I don’t care.”

“We have new lives to work around one another.”

She nods again. “I know all of that.”

He looks up at her. “And you still want to try?”

She settles more firmly in his lap and nods. “Yes. I do.” Her fingers on one hand stroke through his hair now. “Do you?”

It’s a couple of seconds before he answers, but when he does they’re both smiling and ready for whatever comes next.

“Yes.”

And guess what?

This time it works.


End file.
